For a great relationship, the first thing you have to think about is self-care, according to Laura Menze, life/success coach and owner of LifeQuest Alliance, Libertyville. Menze spoke on “Creating Remarkable Relationships” at Friday’s Rotary Club of Lake Zurich meeting.

“It’s not about selfishness, it’s about self-care,” explained Menze, a Certified Professional Co-Active Coach (CPCC). “They are not the same thing.”

Selfishness is with intent or disregard for someone else, she continued.  Self-care means taking care of yourself first.

“It may sound kind of crazy, but if you don’t fill up your own tank first, you won’t have anything left to give anybody,” said Menze.

People have a tendency to help others first while putting their own needs aside, which is detrimental to yourself, she said. Everyone needs to be able to vocalize their needs. “It is being respectful to yourself,” Menze said.

Menze uses an emotional scale that goes up from a low of 22 to a high of 1 to help people determine where they are at emotionally and where they’d like to be. “Sometimes our body will react before we even know what feeling is coming up,” she explained. “The emotional scale helps identify what that is for you.”

It’s important to process your emotions and how you feel about your boss, your significant other, your children and your friends, according to Menze. Keeping those emotions bottled up inside may cause you to “go postal” at the grocery store when someone has a full cart in the 10-items or less line, eat Ben and Jerry’s ice cream all day and other undesirable reactions.

 In relationships, design alliances, Menze advises. What are the rules of engagement with your partner? Maybe you need respect. Maybe nobody gets to be wrong. Maybe you need honesty and openness. Maybe you need a break from technology. Turn off TV, computer, iPod. Maybe you want somebody to just stop and actually listen.

Knowing your values is equally important, she said. “There’s a lot of things everyone values,” said Menze. “Respect, openness, even travel and adventure, harmony. Know what your personal definition is to your values. Align your job with those values.”

The elephant in the room has to be addressed, Menze emphasized. We’ve all heard, “No, no, nothing’s wrong. Everything’s fine.” People need to be more transparent and be perfectly clear about what may be bothering them so it can be addressed.

 Consider the power of words and how you use them, she recommended. For example, when speaking to your children, you might say, “Don’t slam the door.” Changing that to “Can you shut the door quietly,” can produce more positive and desired results.

 When thinking about your personal relationships, think about why you aligned yourself with the other person in the first place, Menze said. What attracted you to that person?  Then ponder what you want this relationship to look like or be like.

“Talk about your needs and expectations up front” with that person, she said. Menze recommends www.marriagebuilders.com as a good source of information about overcoming marital conflicts.

 If you choose to leave a relationship, think about how you want to close things out. “Who do you want to be at the close of that relationship?,” Menze posed. “Who do you want to be when you are approaching a new relationship?”